When Insults Had Class

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS (USING NO FOUR LETTER WORDS)

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to four letter words, uttered by monosyllabic idiots, not to mention the same jerks, waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has all of the morals of a dog in heat." - Unknown Source - (about a previous president.)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

A day at the beach in China

Dumb Blonde

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next doorneighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dogis still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY likeit!..."

Clarification

 "Clarification"

If you've ever wanted a child to not bear his/her testimony, (an LDS Church practice) you'll appreciate this one!! At a recent testimony meeting, a five-year-old little girl stood up and bore her testimony. After mentioning everyone and everything she was thankful for, she ended with this: "I am especially grateful that our house has been much happier since our family stopped using The "S-word" and the "F-word."

As the little girl proudly walked back to her seat, nobody could say a word. Needless to say they were a little shocked by what the stake president's daughter had just said.

Quickly, the red-faced stake president stood up, smiled shyly, and went to the podium. "I feel I should make a clarification as to what my daughter meant. In our house the "S-word" is Shut-up and the "F-word" is Fart.

Speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer tempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get
his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.

Low rider

Sorta gives new meaning to the terms low rider, high tide, and full moon !

Florida Biker and his Babe

See what we have to look forward to?

The Colonoscopy
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for ? At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

What a great slogan (not):

"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it." (B. Obama)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under" - Ronald Reagan

Caught in the moment...