FW: Words of Wisdom From Larry the Cable Guy

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

FW: A TOUGH OLD COWBOY for you ancestry types

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

FW: SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to
the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there
had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping
against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from
deep within the mine, singing . . ..

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...

FW: Oil Price

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!

FW: Funny

There I was on my way to shop at Walmart (first mistake).... Getting
into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the
horizon ... I was in a great mood... And then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car.. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to just get funny)?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I am NOT happy!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . And that's when the fight started.