FW: Bear Warning

FW: Saying good-bye to Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

FW: THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

> A taxpayer voting for Barack Obama is like a chicken voting for
> Colonel Sanders.

FW: And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station... And then the fight started.... ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... *********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... *********************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started...

FW: Clever signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix'

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In a Podiatrist's office:

Time Wounds All Heels

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

To expedite your visit, please back in

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

7 days without God makes one weak

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout

**************************

At a Towing company:

We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

Let Us Remove Your Shorts

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

Push! Push! Push!

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At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place

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On a Taxidermist's window:

We really know our stuff

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On a Fence:

Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

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At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary; We hear you coming

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

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At the Electric Company

We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.

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In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in

and get fed up

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully! We'll wait...

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

Thank heaven for little grills

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

Best place in town to take a leak

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises