Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
10/14/08
10/7/08
Curlers
While shopping in a grocery store, two Christian ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second good sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.'Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me'
The second good sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.'Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me'
10/6/08
10/3/08
$2 bill
THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND: Everyone should start carrying $2 bills!
I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.
The younger generation doesn't even know they exist.
STORY:On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: 'Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'Manager: 'No. A what?'Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'He goes back to his manager, who has been watching melike I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir.'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phonearound the corner.I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy Comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering) : 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I am ready to say, ' Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I 'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free foodthere, too.
Just think...those two will be voting soon....YIKES!!!
I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.
The younger generation doesn't even know they exist.
STORY:On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: 'Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'Manager: 'No. A what?'Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'He goes back to his manager, who has been watching melike I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir.'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phonearound the corner.I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy Comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering) : 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I am ready to say, ' Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I 'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free foodthere, too.
Just think...those two will be voting soon....YIKES!!!
2009 Investment Tips
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Fed Ex is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: Fed UP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Fed Ex is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: Fed UP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
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