FW: Bear Warning

FW: Saying good-bye to Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

FW: THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

> A taxpayer voting for Barack Obama is like a chicken voting for
> Colonel Sanders.

FW: And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station... And then the fight started.... ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... *********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... *********************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started...

FW: Clever signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix'

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In a Podiatrist's office:

Time Wounds All Heels

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:

To expedite your visit, please back in

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On a Plumber's truck:

We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

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On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

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On a Church's Billboard:

7 days without God makes one weak

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout

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At a Towing company:

We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows

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On an Electrician's truck:

Let Us Remove Your Shorts

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action

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On a Maternity Room door:

Push! Push! Push!

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At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right place

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On a Taxidermist's window:

We really know our stuff

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On a Fence:

Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

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At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary; We hear you coming

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

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At the Electric Company

We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.

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In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in

and get fed up

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully! We'll wait...

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

Thank heaven for little grills

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

Best place in town to take a leak

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

FW: Words of Wisdom From Larry the Cable Guy

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

FW: A TOUGH OLD COWBOY for you ancestry types

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

FW: SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to
the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there
had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping
against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from
deep within the mine, singing . . ..

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...

FW: Oil Price

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!

FW: Funny

There I was on my way to shop at Walmart (first mistake).... Getting
into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the
horizon ... I was in a great mood... And then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car.. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to just get funny)?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I am NOT happy!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . And that's when the fight started.