1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
6. . Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. . If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not
for you.
10. . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, Ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
12/13/07
Zen of Sarcasm
12/10/07
FW: Utah
6 Hotdogs- $12.00
Designer Shorts- $96.00,
Souvenir Boots from Laramie- $150.00
Having this guy NOT be a BYU fan... PRICELESS
12/3/07
Underground Castles
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=495538&in_page_id=1811
FW: Keep it going
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that
appear in my email, but this one is too important .
This one has been circulating for months and months.
Please do not delete ...
if you don't want to sign, at least keep it going !
To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.
1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.
11/29/07
11/26/07
11/14/07
11/4/07
10/22/07
10/21/07
156 million happy people
10/12/07
Over the rainbow
10/4/07
CA 157 years ago
Do you know what happened back in 1850, 157 years ago?
* California became a state.
* The State had no electricity.
* The State had no money.
* Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
* There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had
real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
10/2/07
Fwd: You can't fix stupid
YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID
EIGHTH PLACE:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
SEVENTH PLACE:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran', accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
SIXTH PLACE:
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
FIFTH PLACE:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, as he fell face-first
through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
FOURTH PLACE:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a
bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
As Ron White often says: 'You can't fix stupid.' These people prove it
is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.
THIRD PLACE:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC
appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in
handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with
a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several
customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of
fire.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. 'All I can say' said Bingham, 'is that God was watching out
for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.'
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. 'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him' said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no
one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit
happens.'
10/1/07
Bear hunting
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope
Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and
a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically
and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot
grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two Of
them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and
has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't
know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we
need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
9/28/07
FW: Summer Classes for Men
Summer Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, July 6, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
The Love Letter
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it
bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I
am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
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