How to Poop at Work

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know from where it came. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk and extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release and escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. Utilize the HOLDING PATTERN to avoid.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. A SAFE HAVEN can also be a bathroom with a single stall and a locking door.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, go into a HOLDING PATTERN until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. Pray the TURD BURGLAR doesn’t STAKEOUT the stall.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

BLOODHOUND
Similar to the CAMO-COUGH, but a false sniffle is used to alert entrants the stall is occupied.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. (Critical Update!! The Astaire should be avoided in light of the Larry Craig sex sting fiasco! The Camo-Cough is a recommended alternative. It is still recommended to leave the bathroom immediately if you do hear an ASTAIRE.)

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by and ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

HOLDING PATTERN
When a pooper has finished their business and sits in the stall until the bathroom clears out to avoid the WALK OF SHAME. Especially useful when UNLCLE TED won’t leave.

FALSE ALARM
When performing a FLY BY, you mistakenly think the bathroom is empty. To avoid any embarrassment, move quickly to an open urinal. Be careful to not be confused with a TURD BURGLAR. Leave as soon as you are finished, and don’t look back.

STAKEOUT
If the restroom is occupied after performing a FLY BY without having a FALSE ALARM, and the WORK POOP is imminent such that there is not enough time to return to your workstation and wait sufficiently long enough to perform another FLY BY without becoming a FREQUENT FLYER, inconspicuously linger near the restroom and pretend to talk on your cell phone to keep an eye on the entrance to wait for the occupants to leave. A STAKEOUT will be less effective if the current occupant is an UNCLE TED or if an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER arrives. If this happens, consult your P.F.N.

Lingering in the bathroom will cause confusion. The person in the stall utilizes the HOLDING PATTERN and thinks there’s and UNLCE TED. This turns into an endurance of wills to see who will hold out the longest. Avoid this at all costs and find a SAFE HAVEN.

THE WALL
Upon opening the door to the bathroom, you are immediately overpowered by a seemingly impenetrable wall of rank odor. If at all possible, perform a FLY BY and come back when the air is clear. You may want to ask for a COURTESY FLUSH if the offender is in a HOLDING PATTERN.