The Colonoscopy
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for ? At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

What a great slogan (not):

"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it." (B. Obama)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under" - Ronald Reagan

Caught in the moment...

The Brief safe

Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers,' he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for then now cost just $80."

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is #3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay!

The fifth, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings.)
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings)
The seventh now pays $5 instead of $7 (28% savings)
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings)
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings)
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings)

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $29", declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I"!
"That's true!!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $100 back when I only got two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute" yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him.

But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money among all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D
Professor of Economics, University of Georgia

FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION IS NEEDED.
FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION IS POSSIBLE.

Redneck mansion

Hillary's indian name

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ...
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'YES,' for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds...

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

A tale of Woe

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the studentfrom UCLA, What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from the University of Wyoming
"How about the opposite of woe?"
The UW student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up".

Oxy-Clinton

How to overload a 4 wheeler

What's there to say?

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Click the title and take the quiz. Post a comment with your results (if you dare).

Pick your favorite!

1. Why did I marry her? Why God, Why?

2. Holy crap, look at that rear end. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its 'Oversized Load' sign!

3. Somewhere, there's two girls naked in a hot tub and I'm stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care.

4. Sheesh, Rush is soo right - She does sound like Nurse Ratchett!

5. Does that woman never shut up?

6. Wow!! I could'a had a V8!!

7. I wonder if Monica still has the same phone number

FW: The Ant and the Grasshopper

Subject: The Ant and the Grasshopper New Version

TRADITIONAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing,

'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2008!