FW: Teen wants to drive

Subject: Teen wants to drive

A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of
his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your
grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for
the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your
grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and
I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John
the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?'

FW: *Out West*

*Out West*

Rules of Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho , and the rest of the 'Wild
West' are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a
pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like
money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west,
I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines
that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try
to unders tand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL
shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your
ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10.. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of
age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know
how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants,
the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more
fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it
spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus
a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they
come home for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than
all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get
whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! Tha t thumpity-thump crap ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see
your boxers! Refer back to #1!

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FW: home remedies

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. SOON YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. 8. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

 

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

That's some good bass

The next time you're wading in your third world eco paradise stream or lake, just remember your place in the food chain may get re-shuffled.

FW: The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the
step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

FW: Unprecedented run on munitions...

This news just in:  All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.  A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama