This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
6/30/10
5/6/10
Email addresses
This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Toronto couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Toronto and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Texas , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: Feb 11 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
A Toronto couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Toronto and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Texas , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: Feb 11 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Obama Jokes
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brian
Q: What does Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser --Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America --Jimmy Fallon
Q: What is the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers --Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brian
Q: What does Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser --Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America --Jimmy Fallon
Q: What is the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers --Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman
Joe Legal vs. Jose Illegal
JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE ILLEGAL
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal".
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes
$25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number,
and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00
per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has
$31,231.00..
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or
$31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for
his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now
has $24,031..00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and
local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or
welfare.. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per
year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps
and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year.
Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose
Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose
Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal
now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline,
etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities,
gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after
work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe
Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get
a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after
school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services,
but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
Do you get it, now?
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal".
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes
$25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number,
and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00
per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has
$31,231.00..
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or
$31,200.00 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for
his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now
has $24,031..00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and
local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or
welfare.. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per
year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps
and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year.
Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose
Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose
Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal
now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline,
etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities,
gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after
work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe
Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get
a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after
school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services,
but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
Do you get it, now?
Barack's Bingo
Rules for BS Bingo:
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, print your "BS Bingo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BS!"
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, print your "BS Bingo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BS!"
4/13/10
New medical symbol
New medical symbol
To prepare for the new health care reform package,
we felt it necessary to develop a new medical
symbol that truly depicts the Health Care Plan
you will be getting.
3/25/10
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
Country funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen.", "Praise the Lord." and "Glory"! I preached, like I"d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting septic tanks for twenty years".
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen.", "Praise the Lord." and "Glory"! I preached, like I"d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting septic tanks for twenty years".
3/22/10
Reduce ER waiting time at the hospital
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E. R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works at DMV and at the Laundromat.
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E. R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works at DMV and at the Laundromat.
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.
DC Ticket Agent
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country
is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for
an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window.. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the
length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Cape Town is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape
Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ''
his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state!'
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is
it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the
reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.''
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know
whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight I think that's
very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I
was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was
just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about
a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take
the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby
Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get
on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little
computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to
have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.. When I
told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's
the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino
anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it
is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like
manure, you just gotta spread it around.
is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for
an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window.. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the
length of the flight and the passport information, and then he
interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Cape Town is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape
Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ''
his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state!'
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is
it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the
reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.''
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know
whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight I think that's
very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I
was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was
just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about
a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take
the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby
Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get
on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little
computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to
have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.. When I
told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's
the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino
anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it
is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like
manure, you just gotta spread it around.
3/16/10
3/10/10
Bats
Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures. Here are three from the Bat Family ..... without the need for resorting to fiction.
Sucker-footed Bat
Sucker-footed Bat
Red-Winged Fruit Bat
Left-Winged Ding Bat
The Bama
The new GM proudly introduces the 2010 “Bama.”.
This vehicle is a hybrid ... it runs on both hot air and horse shit.
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