FW: SUSPECT: FW: SUSPECT A.A.A.D.D

A.A.A.D.D
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness
there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,
even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car
and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail
before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table
and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks
are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my
checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen
with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye --
they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back
on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down
on the counter,
fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight
when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi
sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check
in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

& I don't remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out
why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh --
if this isn't you yet,
your day is coming!!
Beware
you're next!

FW: Qualifications To Be President Of The United States

Qualifications To Be President Of The United States

In a High School Government they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States .

It's pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement
to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many
capable individuals from becoming president.

K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the
floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating.....

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born
by c-section"?

Just think - someday she'll vote!!!

FW: The Economy is So Bad...

Don't know if there is any truth to this, but it is funny.


Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

The economy is so bad:
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six wont leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

FW: The 3 Nuns at the Baseball Game

THE THREE NUNS

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME..

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ..
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA .
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THE THIRD GUY SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO .
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...
THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE AT ALL

Fw: Why I voted democrat

I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my dog.

I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobod y disagrees with them.

I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a hybrid car.

I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit..

I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my butt that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

"The problem with Socialists is that they eventually run out of other people's money." - Margaret Thatcher

FW: Cold Water

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?"

FW: Marketing is everything

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?' Jose says, . 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.' Jose says ' No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars' Carlos says... 'So what does your sign say?' Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '. See...It's all about marketing

Lemons

A strongman had a trick to show his strength off. He would go into a bar, ask for a lemon, then squeeze all the juice out with one hand. Then he challenged anyone to come forward and prove they were stronger, by being able to squeeze any additional juice out of the crushed lemon. No man was able to do it. But one day, an unassuming man in a suit came in and accepted the challenge. He didn't look very athletic, and so the people were a bit puzzled. First the strongman squeezed the lemon. Once he had squeezed what he thought was every last ounce of juice out of the fruit, he handed the crushed lemon to the challenger and said, "Beat that!" The man in the suit, took the lemon, held it over a glass and as the crowd watched was able to squeeze another half glass out of that lemon. The strongman conceded defeat, the crowd politely clapped, someone approached the man and said, "That was really amazing. You must have a very physical job to be able to do that." The man replied, "Actually, I work for the IRS."

Clean can be funny.

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

FW: Great Business Slogans/Signs.

There are a few dozen good ones!!

~ Wacky Business Slogans ~

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterdays' Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff"

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes . . . Sit! . . . Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be "de-lighted" if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Signs In a clothing store

"Our best is none too good."
On a sign on a delicatessen wall:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a sign in a Pennsylvania cemetary

"Shaky Grounds"
Seen on a San Francisco Bay Area coffee shop

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
Seen on a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon

"We're #1 in the #2 business"
Seen on Septic Tank Truck in Oregon

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix"
Sign over a Gynecologist's office.

"To expedite your visit please back in"
Sign over a Proctologist's door

"We repair what your husband fixed"
Painted sign on a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber"
Sign seen on a Plumber's truck

"7 days without pizza makes one weak"
Pizza Shop Slogan

"Invite us to your next blowout"
Sign at a Tire Shop in Milwaukee.

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows"
Sign seen at a Towing company

"Let us remove your shorts"
On an Electrician's truck

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"
Sign In a non-smoking area in a manufacturing company.

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"
Sign seen on an Optometrists Office door

"We really know our stuff"
Seen on a Taxidermist's office window.

"Time wounds all heels"
Seen at a Podiatrist's office:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive"
Sign seen on a residential fence in Texas

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment"
Sign seen at a Car Dealership in Detroit

We just keep rolling a lawn, JB Instant Lawn, Portland, Oregon

"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back"
Bunting Trash Service, Evans, Colorado.

"We Dry Harder"
a Utah concrete products company.

"We're easy to get a lawn with,"
B&G Turf Farm, Helendale, California.

"We do more than mow, blow and go"
Yardvark's Lawn & Maintenance, Bullhead City, Arizona.

"We meet most of our friends by accident" Auto body shop, Fremont, CA (Richard DeBiaso)

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be"
Maybe At the Electric Company:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up"
Sign seen in a restaurant's window

"Drive carefully. We'll wait"
Funeral Home sign, please be careful!

"Thank heaven for little grills"
Sign seen at propane filling station

"Best place in town to take a leak"
This Chicago Radiator Shop really knows their customers!

"Loaded with experience,"
Crescent Truck Lines, Hayward, CA (Richard DeBiaso)

"Nobody knows the truffles we've seen,"
Nevada City Truffles, Nevada City, California.

"Your pane is our pleasure,"
Hogan's Window Cleaning, Lake Havasu City, Arizona.

"Hired Killer"
a California pest exterminator service. (submitted by S. Boyers)

"I glove you"
Western Oregon Glove Company

"Take a spin with us"
West Side Laundromat, Helena, Mont.

"Let us steer you in the right direction"
Santa Fe Meat Company

"Our business is growing," Smith Gardens, Washington state

"We curl up and dye for you," Orchid Hair Salon, Delta, Colorado.

"Don't let a drip spoil your trip," Ray's Radiator Service, Grass Valley, California.

"We run a shady business," The Tarp Man, a mobile business seen in Arizona.

"Our business is picking up," Grass Valley Disposal Company, Grass Valley, California.

"We kick ash," Mad Hatter Air Duct Cleaning, Seattle, Wash.

"We meet by accident," Prestige Automotive Center, Kingman, Arizona.

"Let us lighten your load," Hey Diddle Diddle Diaper Service, Hollister, California.

"Can't get it up?" Willits Winching, Willits, California. (submitted by Joanne Moore)

"While you sleep, we loaf," Tahoe House Restaurant and Bakery, Lake Tahoe, California.

"Let us strip for you," a furniture refinishing shop near Little Rock, Ark. (submitted by Barry Burton)

"A good flush beats a full house," Salcido Plumbing, King City Calif. (submitted by the Johnsons)

"A great place to take a leak," Acme Radiator, Bandon, Oregon

"Business Sucks," a California vacuum cleaner store. (submitted by S. Boyers)

"All the stuff that's neat for both your feet," Dave's Shoes, Grass Valley, Calif.

"The Answer To Your Hangups," Art Laminators, Inc., Seattle, Wash.

"Have your work done here...and you'll never go anywhere else again,"
TVS Complete Auto Repair, Temecula,
Calif. (submitted by Steve Augustine).

"We Take a Bite out of Grime," car wash, Camp Verde, Arizona. (submitted by B.P. Soutrane) Copyright 2000 by Out West Newspaper

"It's a Ruff Life," Dog day care and activity center, Phoenix, AZ (Joanne Gardiner)

"We're number one in the number two business"
Slim's Sanitation, Greeley, Colorado.

"After the first whiff, call Cliff."
Septic service, Sunshine, Wash.

"We don't want an arm and a leg...just your tows!"
A towing company, Weaverville, California. (submitted by Todd Steele)

"Get your buns in here," Glenn's Pastries, Gallup, New Mexico

"It's great to be kneaded," Rainbow Touch Massage, Seattle, Washington

"Here today, lawn tomorrow," Oregon Turf and Tree Farm

"Spouses Selling Houses," Real estate agents Shari and Ron Laverty, Seattle, Wash.

"Let us remove your shorts"
Art's Electric, Pullman, Wash.