The fix

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The
Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the
Economy?"
I think this guy nailed it!
_____

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You
can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay
them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment
fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing
Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their
taxes...

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social
Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you
know.

If not, please disregard

FW: Funny Criminials

MR. POTATO HEAD, ESQ.: Attorney Sam Kepfield was defending a woman in a Hutchinson, Kan., court who said she had participated in a check forging scheme because a man had threatened to kill her dog and harm her daughter if she didn't. To demonstrate the concept of
"imminent threat" to the jury, Kepfield pulled a pin on a hand grenade and set it on the ledge in front of the jury box, asking them "Are you afraid now?" District Judge Richard Rome ordered Kepfield to remove it, and deputies took the grenade -- a fake -- into evidence, since
unauthorized possession of any weapon in court, even fake ones, is a crime, said Reno County Sheriff's Capt. Wayne Baughman. The jury took 15 minutes to convict Kepfield's client. (Kansas City Star, AP)

...So his defense tactic was a dud too.

POLYESTER PROPHECY: Joanne Nelson, 39, was sentenced to 3 years in
prison after a 3-day vandalism spree in St. Joseph, Mo. She drove her
teen son and his friend around so they could vandalize cars, paint
vulgarities on a garage, and break out windows, causing thousands of dollars
in damage. And when the cops showed up, they noted the message
printed on her t-shirt: "It's All Fun & Games Until the Cops Show Up". (St.
Joseph News-Press)

...And now the real fun begins.

FW: Fw: Semper Fi

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists
told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded
and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of
fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the
chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the
song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played
the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe,
someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams
dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U.S. Marine, what is your final
wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine..

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the
Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then
with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he
took from one of the already dead terrorists, sprayed the rest of the
terrorists killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to
kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was
the aggressor.....?'

Semper Fi!

FW: Obama in the year 2039

Speaks for itself.

Best burgers of all time

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/39713/6-worst-fast-food-burgers-and-
what-you-should-eat-instead/

FW: Silent Monks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCFCeJTEzNU

FW: The greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!!!!

FW: Please pray for our president

We were in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of us had an

Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".

My husband's Bible was lying on the dash board & he got it & opened it up to the scripture & read it. He started laughing & laughing. Then he read it to me.

I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8
"Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

Tiger Woods

Why did Tiger crash into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

What’s the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Did you know Tiger is 1/2 Black and 1/2 Asian. The black side picked the rims on his Escalade and the Asian side drove.

Did you hear what Tigers new name is? He shall now be called "Cheetah".

Did you hear why Nike decided to continue to sponsor him? Because his motto is the same as theirs: just do it!

Tiger's car collection is now complete... He has a hole in one.

When Tiger's wife was asked how many times she hit Tiger, she said, "I don't know, put me down for a five".

FW: A WINTER STATISTIC

A winter statistic

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM IDAHO AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

FW: First Democrat discovered

First Democrat Discovered

--
Mike G
Tucson, Az.

FW: how to recognize a gay terrorist

FW: THIS ONE IS FOR ALL GRANDPARENTS!!!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded yes.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'

The little boy nodded again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'

Again, the little boy nodded.

'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

Why I don't use treadmills

Pickup move

Texas drought

Texas Drought It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water. And the Mormons... not to worry. They have a years supply of water stored.

Redneck pickup lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em...

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock..

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

FW: How to stop church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business...

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new
member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front
of the town's
only bar one after noon.



She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every
one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and
just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.



Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front
of Mildred's house ... walked home. .and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)

Coming soon-free medical coverage

Priceless

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter: $0.00 dollars
Having Michelle Obama Serve you your soup: $0.00 dollars
Snapping a picture of a homeless person who is receiving government funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 Black Berry cell phone: Priceless

FW: Health care reform

How the AMA feels about Health Reform (Unclassified)


The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Health
Reform
Proposals:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists
could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the buttholes in Washington.

FW: professor is a genius

As the late Adrian Rogers said, "You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

Economics Professor is a Genius
I wonder if he'd consider running for president next time.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never
failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class.

--------------------------------------------

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would
be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on
Obama's plan".

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no
one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little
were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had
studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free
ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D!
No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted
in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that
socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the
effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no
one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

FW: Need a Laugh

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will
be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

FW: Why Thinking is Handy

Rescue crews in Filer, Idaho, rushed to aid a man who was stuck in a sewage tank at a highway rest stop. The unidentified traveler had used the toilet, and then couldn't find his car keys. He figured he must have flushed them, and climbed into the sewage tank to look for them.

After the rescue, obliging fire crews hosed him off, and "That's when he discovered the keys were still in his back pocket," said Filer Police Chief Cliff Johnson. (Twin Falls Times-News)

...Obliviot: someone who climbs into a sewage tank as a first choice, leaving a search of his pockets for later.

FW: Hymn #365

Hymn #365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

FW: Why God Made Moms!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

FW: new ice cream flavor

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, " Barocky Road ." Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Aren't you feeling stimulated?

Idaho redneck

Seen in Pocatello...

Fw: Found in a Montana history book

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster:

I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?

FW: Couldn't Say It Better...

You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from
somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the
other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does
no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend,
is about the end of any nation... You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005

Milk

FW: SUSPECT: FW: SUSPECT A.A.A.D.D

A.A.A.D.D
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness
there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,
even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car
and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail
before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table
and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks
are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my
checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen
with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye --
they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back
on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down
on the counter,
fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight
when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi
sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check
in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

& I don't remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out
why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh --
if this isn't you yet,
your day is coming!!
Beware
you're next!

FW: Qualifications To Be President Of The United States

Qualifications To Be President Of The United States

In a High School Government they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States .

It's pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement
to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many
capable individuals from becoming president.

K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the
floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating.....

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born
by c-section"?

Just think - someday she'll vote!!!

FW: The Economy is So Bad...

Don't know if there is any truth to this, but it is funny.


Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

The economy is so bad:
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six wont leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

FW: The 3 Nuns at the Baseball Game

THE THREE NUNS

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME..

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ..
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA .
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.."

THE THIRD GUY SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO .
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...
THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE AT ALL

Fw: Why I voted democrat

I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my dog.

I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I voted Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobod y disagrees with them.

I voted Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a hybrid car.

I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I voted Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit..

I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my butt that it is unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

"The problem with Socialists is that they eventually run out of other people's money." - Margaret Thatcher

FW: Cold Water

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?"

FW: Marketing is everything

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?' Jose says, . 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.' Jose says ' No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars' Carlos says... 'So what does your sign say?' Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '. See...It's all about marketing

Lemons

A strongman had a trick to show his strength off. He would go into a bar, ask for a lemon, then squeeze all the juice out with one hand. Then he challenged anyone to come forward and prove they were stronger, by being able to squeeze any additional juice out of the crushed lemon. No man was able to do it. But one day, an unassuming man in a suit came in and accepted the challenge. He didn't look very athletic, and so the people were a bit puzzled. First the strongman squeezed the lemon. Once he had squeezed what he thought was every last ounce of juice out of the fruit, he handed the crushed lemon to the challenger and said, "Beat that!" The man in the suit, took the lemon, held it over a glass and as the crowd watched was able to squeeze another half glass out of that lemon. The strongman conceded defeat, the crowd politely clapped, someone approached the man and said, "That was really amazing. You must have a very physical job to be able to do that." The man replied, "Actually, I work for the IRS."

Clean can be funny.

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

FW: Great Business Slogans/Signs.

There are a few dozen good ones!!

~ Wacky Business Slogans ~

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterdays' Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff"

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes . . . Sit! . . . Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be "de-lighted" if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Signs In a clothing store

"Our best is none too good."
On a sign on a delicatessen wall:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a sign in a Pennsylvania cemetary

"Shaky Grounds"
Seen on a San Francisco Bay Area coffee shop

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
Seen on a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon

"We're #1 in the #2 business"
Seen on Septic Tank Truck in Oregon

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix"
Sign over a Gynecologist's office.

"To expedite your visit please back in"
Sign over a Proctologist's door

"We repair what your husband fixed"
Painted sign on a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber"
Sign seen on a Plumber's truck

"7 days without pizza makes one weak"
Pizza Shop Slogan

"Invite us to your next blowout"
Sign at a Tire Shop in Milwaukee.

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows"
Sign seen at a Towing company

"Let us remove your shorts"
On an Electrician's truck

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"
Sign In a non-smoking area in a manufacturing company.

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"
Sign seen on an Optometrists Office door

"We really know our stuff"
Seen on a Taxidermist's office window.

"Time wounds all heels"
Seen at a Podiatrist's office:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive"
Sign seen on a residential fence in Texas

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment"
Sign seen at a Car Dealership in Detroit

We just keep rolling a lawn, JB Instant Lawn, Portland, Oregon

"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back"
Bunting Trash Service, Evans, Colorado.

"We Dry Harder"
a Utah concrete products company.

"We're easy to get a lawn with,"
B&G Turf Farm, Helendale, California.

"We do more than mow, blow and go"
Yardvark's Lawn & Maintenance, Bullhead City, Arizona.

"We meet most of our friends by accident" Auto body shop, Fremont, CA (Richard DeBiaso)

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be"
Maybe At the Electric Company:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up"
Sign seen in a restaurant's window

"Drive carefully. We'll wait"
Funeral Home sign, please be careful!

"Thank heaven for little grills"
Sign seen at propane filling station

"Best place in town to take a leak"
This Chicago Radiator Shop really knows their customers!

"Loaded with experience,"
Crescent Truck Lines, Hayward, CA (Richard DeBiaso)

"Nobody knows the truffles we've seen,"
Nevada City Truffles, Nevada City, California.

"Your pane is our pleasure,"
Hogan's Window Cleaning, Lake Havasu City, Arizona.

"Hired Killer"
a California pest exterminator service. (submitted by S. Boyers)

"I glove you"
Western Oregon Glove Company

"Take a spin with us"
West Side Laundromat, Helena, Mont.

"Let us steer you in the right direction"
Santa Fe Meat Company

"Our business is growing," Smith Gardens, Washington state

"We curl up and dye for you," Orchid Hair Salon, Delta, Colorado.

"Don't let a drip spoil your trip," Ray's Radiator Service, Grass Valley, California.

"We run a shady business," The Tarp Man, a mobile business seen in Arizona.

"Our business is picking up," Grass Valley Disposal Company, Grass Valley, California.

"We kick ash," Mad Hatter Air Duct Cleaning, Seattle, Wash.

"We meet by accident," Prestige Automotive Center, Kingman, Arizona.

"Let us lighten your load," Hey Diddle Diddle Diaper Service, Hollister, California.

"Can't get it up?" Willits Winching, Willits, California. (submitted by Joanne Moore)

"While you sleep, we loaf," Tahoe House Restaurant and Bakery, Lake Tahoe, California.

"Let us strip for you," a furniture refinishing shop near Little Rock, Ark. (submitted by Barry Burton)

"A good flush beats a full house," Salcido Plumbing, King City Calif. (submitted by the Johnsons)

"A great place to take a leak," Acme Radiator, Bandon, Oregon

"Business Sucks," a California vacuum cleaner store. (submitted by S. Boyers)

"All the stuff that's neat for both your feet," Dave's Shoes, Grass Valley, Calif.

"The Answer To Your Hangups," Art Laminators, Inc., Seattle, Wash.

"Have your work done here...and you'll never go anywhere else again,"
TVS Complete Auto Repair, Temecula,
Calif. (submitted by Steve Augustine).

"We Take a Bite out of Grime," car wash, Camp Verde, Arizona. (submitted by B.P. Soutrane) Copyright 2000 by Out West Newspaper

"It's a Ruff Life," Dog day care and activity center, Phoenix, AZ (Joanne Gardiner)

"We're number one in the number two business"
Slim's Sanitation, Greeley, Colorado.

"After the first whiff, call Cliff."
Septic service, Sunshine, Wash.

"We don't want an arm and a leg...just your tows!"
A towing company, Weaverville, California. (submitted by Todd Steele)

"Get your buns in here," Glenn's Pastries, Gallup, New Mexico

"It's great to be kneaded," Rainbow Touch Massage, Seattle, Washington

"Here today, lawn tomorrow," Oregon Turf and Tree Farm

"Spouses Selling Houses," Real estate agents Shari and Ron Laverty, Seattle, Wash.

"Let us remove your shorts"
Art's Electric, Pullman, Wash.

FW: Rules

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules ' From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Democratic spin at it's finest

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

Harry Reid

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.


On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable eq uestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pi nkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

Who not to follow on a hike

FW: A gynecologist who wanted to be a mechanic

HUMOR!!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly , which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the
muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

Fw: hair cut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to A - B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm very disappointed that you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know Dad I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in the studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

The father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

FW: wacky women in the news....

Here's some stories of wacky women:

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=333&sid=5335996

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=333&sid=5336260

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=333&sid=5334557

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless.Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.S ome bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

FW: A New Place for Lunch

If you gotta go.......

<http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4632991n>

FW: Mexican eggs

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S.. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees?

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.

Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs. The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and
they've already managed to steal a bicycle.